How to Save a Life
by SpringHiller09
Summary: Trying to deal with a great deal of grief, Bella moves in with her father desperate for a new start. It's there that she meets Edward, the only one who can truly understand what she's going through. The two become friends as they deal with their pain, but eventually, they both want more than they think they're ready for.
1. Everything Will Break

**Chapter One: Everything Will Break**

* * *

 **Bella's POV**

 _Fucking memorial._

The letters people were writing. The pictures they were putting up. The flowers they were placing on the ground. It was all bullshit. It was just a way for people to get attention as they looked at the locker.

As they looked at _his_ locker.

He was the boy everyone liked. He was a state champion in swimming and the star pitcher on the baseball team. He did community service and got good grades and went to school dances. He high-fived people in the hallway and he smiled. He was the golden boy who could do no wrong. The boy who could do no wrong and couldn't fail anyone.

Well...he failed me.

He failed me the second he wrote the note. He failed me when he illegally purchased those pills. He failed me when he took a cocktail of different narcotic drugs and let himself die. He failed me when he killed himself.

He failed me when he killed himself.

"Miss Swan?" A teacher's voice whispered quietly as I stood and stared at the locker that used to belong to my brother. The locker that used to belong to my twin that was now dedicated to him with notes and pictures. "Miss Swan, the bell rang."

"So?"

"So, it's time for you to get to class."

"Look, I know you're new here," I snapped, turning to the teacher that had just started working at our school in the fall. "But I think you should just let me be."

"I know..."

"You don't know...anything!" I snapped as I felt a big pair of hands wrap around mine. I turned around and saw Marcus with pleading eyes begging me not to get into a screaming match with a teacher. I forgot all about Miss Whoever and walked away with him into an empty classroom.

"Hey," He whispered, touching his finger to my chin and forcing me to look at him.

"I'm fine, Marcus."

"You're yelling at teachers,"

"I was standing at my dead brother's locker!" I yelled. "I just needed...time and that fucking bitch was telling me to get to class!"

"They're just trying to keep things as normal as they can."

"How do you know?"

"I work in the office, remember?"

"It's not normal." I shook my head. "It's only been three weeks, how can they possibly think things are going to be normal?"

"I'm not saying that they think things will be normal, I'm just saying they're trying..."

"Well, they shouldn't try."

"Bella,"

"It doesn't matter how hard you try," I shook my head. "Sometimes...no matter how hard you try it will never be enough."

"You know you couldn't have done anything else..."

"He was my twin brother, Marcus!" I cried. "He was practically crying out to me and I...didn't see it! Because we were going in different directions, I couldn't see how completely...helpless he was."

"Except he wasn't crying out, Bella," Marcus whispered as he hugged me tightly. "No one could have seen it coming. If you of all people couldn't sense something was wrong, he was hiding everything really fucking well."

"I should have seen it,"

"You couldn't have..."

"Miss Swan. Mr. Vega. I don't know exactly what you're doing in here, but I suggest you leave and get to the first period." Our principle said sternly as he opened the door to the classroom. I flipped him off before grabbing my bag and pushing past him.

I walked the halls I'd walked a hundred times before. Except now...after everything that had happened, they seemed different. They were smaller somehow. As I walked to my history class, I could feel them closing in on me and I suddenly found myself running. I ran into the first door I could see and found myself in the freshman girls bathroom.

I was trapped. I was forever trapped in this universe where I existed, but my brother didn't. I was forced to live in this world without him and the more I thought about it, the harder it became to breathe.

I told my mother that I wasn't ready to go back to school yet. I knew it was going to be too painful, but she needed to be the good mother. The mother who forced her daughter to go back to school only three weeks after the death of her brother. She needed to be the mother who pretended like it was all okay and who kept it together for the daughter who wasn't dead.

For the daughter that didn't kill herself.

After hyperventilating for a while, I ran from the bathroom and left the school. I just couldn't be there. Every corner I turned, I saw my brother's face. Sometimes he was the happy person everyone...including myself...saw on a daily basis. Other times...he was calling out for help and I just couldn't face that pain yet.

I wasn't ready.

I got into the car we used to share and made my way to the cemetery. It was the place I'd been going since the day he was buried there because it was the only place that I could be with him. Most days, I'd just sit there. But other days, I would bring a journal to write in and I would start writing him letters. Some of the letters were crying about how much I missed him. Other letters were me yelling at him for being so selfish for leaving this earth too soon.

Today...I just missed him.

When I got there, though, I wasn't alone. I could recognize that long, black hair anywhere and took a deep breath as I approached his grave.

"Hi, Bree," I whispered.

"Oh," She jumped. "I'm sorry, Bella. I just needed...I'll go."

"You don't have to," I nodded. "I usually just sit here with...him. You can stay."

"Okay," She nodded as I sat down in the grassy space near all the fresh dirt.

Bree was the only one who seemed to understand the pain I was going through. She wasn't trying to hide her pain like Marcus or pretend what was happening wasn't happening like my mother. She was also in a great deal of pain and she wasn't afraid to show it. She was grieving just like everyone else...except it was different.

Bree had been in love with my brother since freshman year and he'd been in love with her too.

Maybe it was puppy love. Maybe it was that kind of love you feel in high school, but once you get away that love fades away. Maybe it was the real deal. I would never know and neither would she. But...whatever kind of love it was, it was...intense. Bree was the other person I was shocked couldn't see anything coming.

"I'm surprised to see you here," I whispered after we'd been sitting together for a while. I'd been coming here almost every day and I had yet to see her here. She didn't even come to the cemetery the day of the funeral. She went straight to where the wake was being held.

"I needed to come," She nodded sadly. "I wasn't ready before but now...I am..."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Bree. I know..." I looked down at the dirt. "I know how painful this is."

"My pain doesn't even compare to yours..."

"Pain is pain," I gulped. "My pain is just...different." I shrugged as I opened my journal. I sat there for a long time, writing down my feelings and silently crying out for help. He would have been so pissed at Mom for forcing me to go to school before I was ready and I wrote to him about that. I wrote to him about how trapped I felt in that school now that he was gone and how irritating it was that they trying to treat me like every other student at that school.

Bree got up and left, but I didn't even know she had gone. When I was here, I was pretty consumed by what I was doing and my grief. I wished I could have at least said goodbye to her, but this was a time no one could get through to me. I was so absorbed in my thoughts, I didn't even hear the approaching footsteps.

"Hey, kiddo," Phil's voice said from behind me, snapping me out of my trance. I turned around and looked up at my stepfather who had been with us since we were six years old. No one would ever be able to replace my Dad, who was still living in the small town we were born in, but he was incredible with my brother and me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as he sat down next to me.

"The school called," He sighed. "They said you disappeared after the bell for first period rang."

"Are you here to punish me?" I snapped. "Yell at me?"

"No, I'm here to make sure you're okay,"

"I'm not."

"I know you aren't okay...emotionally," He whispered. "I just needed to make sure you were still alive."

"I'm not going to kill myself!" I snapped as tears started pulling in my eyes. "I just wasn't ready to go back to school and Mom is so absorbed in making sure that she does what she's supposed to do that she didn't even realize I was panicking this morning."

"She's doing her best," He whispered and I knew he was right. I couldn't even imagine how she was feeling. He was my twin and my best friend, but he was her son. She'd given birth to him and promised to protect him from everything in this scary world. She was grieving in a way I would...hopefully...never understand.

"I know," I nodded, looking down at the ground. "I felt claustrophobic there and I just had to get out."

"I understand,"

"Does Mom know I skipped school?"

"I got to the phone before she did," He nodded. "But, you need to tell her that you left school. And I think you need to tell her why."

"She'll just send me to a shrink."

"If you don't tell her, I will, Bella," He nudged me. "And I don't want to be the bad guy."

"I'll tell her," I agreed. We sat together at his grave for a bit longer before both of our stomachs started growling. We stood up and walked over to our cars and I watched as he drove away back to work. I drove home and was surprised to see my Mom's car parked in the driveway at this time of day. She'd already used up her vacation and sick days and it was also her first day back at work. I got out of the car and walked into our small but cozy house.

"Mom?" I called through the house and headed upstairs to my bedroom. As I approached his bedroom, it was cracked open and I could hear muffled cries as I stood in front of it. I gently pushed the door open and bit my lip when I saw my Mother sitting on his bed, hugging his pillow to her chest.

"Mom?" I asked and she jumped off the bed and smiled at me. She was pretending she was okay even though she clearly wasn't. She placed the pillow back in it's place and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Bella, what are you doing here, sweetie?"

"You don't have to pretend with me, Mom," I whispered as I sat down on his bed. This was the first time I'd stepped foot in his bedroom since I found him laying on his floor after he'd taken all those pills.

"I'm not, baby."

"Mom," I stared her down.

"My boss lets me take a half day," She admitted as she sat down next to me. "Going back was a lot harder than I thought it would be."

"I know," I knew she wasn't going to be able to keep acting like everything was okay. "I left school before the first period even started," I admitted. "I was suffocating, Mom."

"Honey, I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be back there," She wrapped her arms around me. "But you have to go back to school. It's the law and if I keep letting you skip then they're going to have to say something."

"I can't breathe there, Mom."

"We'll figure something out together," She smiled as she pushed the strands of hair that had fallen out of my ponytail out of my face and left me alone in his bedroom.

As I looked around, all the happy memories we'd made in this room got dimmer and dimmer. It didn't matter this is where we used to play Lego's when we were kids. It didn't matter this is where I sat and cried on his shoulder in the seventh grade when Maggie completely abandoned me for other friends and where he promised me to make her life miserable for hurting me. It didn't matter this was the room he told me he was in love with Bree and wanted to ask her out on a date.

None of that mattered anymore because when I looked around this room, all I saw was his dead body laying in front of his bed.

After I felt like I couldn't breathe again, I stood up and left the room, pulling the door shut after me. I went into my bedroom and closed to door and picked up the guitar he was in the middle of learning and laid down on my bed and began to strum. I didn't know what I was doing, but it was comforting to hear a guitar and remember that he wanted to learn how to play in an attempt to impress Bree at the talent show at the end of the school year.

"Bella! Marcus is here!" Mom called from downstairs and I set the guitar on the stand and went downstairs to find Marcus with a stack of my books in his hand.

"I thought if you didn't want to be at school, you'd at least want a distraction."

"Thanks," I reached out and grabbed the books from him and set them on the steps. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room. He sat down and I snuggled up against his chest and I felt more tears pooling in my eyes. I didn't want to keep crying, but I just couldn't help it.

Marcus had been his best friend since the fifth grade when Marcus moved here. They were inseparable and as I got to know Marcus, I started to fall in love with him. It hurt because I was always going to be his twin sister and nothing more. But, when sophomore years Homecoming dance came around, he got my brother's blessing and asked me out. I didn't think anything would actually happen after that, but we'd been happily dating ever since.

"Mrs. Dean was asking about you today," Marcus whispered as he soothingly rubbed my back.

"What did she ask?"

"Just about how you were doing and when you were planning on coming back," He whispered. "She didn't see that you had been in homeroom."

Mrs. Dean was the best English teacher at Maryvale and had always been more of a friend than a teacher to all her students. She was the one you talked to when you couldn't talk to your parents and she was the one who came early and stayed late the day of the viewing. She was sweet and kind and genuinely cared about her students. Especially now. She was the only one who continued to have an open door policy and didn't shy away from having tough discussions with students as they all grieved.

"I told her that it was still up in the air because I wasn't entirely sure what you were thinking."

"Mom says that because it's the law, I have to go back," I explained. "I don't think she really wants to send me, but she has to because I'm still a minor.

"We'll make this work, Bella..." He started to tell me before my cell phone started buzzing on the coffee table. When I looked at the clock on the old VCR, I saw that it was four o'clock which is when my Dad always had his break at the station. He'd always called my brother and me at this time of day and that didn't stop when he died.

"I'll be back," I tapped Marcus' leg and grabbed my phone to walk into the dining room we hardly ever used. "Hi, Dad."

"Hi, baby," He whispered quietly. Dad had taken this pretty damn hard since he was so far away from us when it happened. When Mom left and got full custody of us, she moved us to Phoenix when she got offered a new job. She was hesitant about taking Dad's only two kids so far away from him, but he still loved her. He knew how much the job meant to her and promised that they would make it work.

And they did make it work. Dad always called us once a day and he would come to us for holidays since he didn't have anyone up in Forks that he needed to be with. They wanted to make the holidays as happy and pleasant as they could and Dad always joined us for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. Once Phil came into the picture, Mom was worried that it would put Dad in a mood, but Dad always liked Phil. I think it still hurt that she chose Phil over him, but he always only wanted Mom to be happy.

The two of us always spent most of the summer in Forks with Dad and that's when we got to really know him and our cousin, Jake. Jake was a year older than us and he never let us forget it, but he was like a second brother to me and the brother I knew my brother always needed. But, now those holidays and summer's didn't seem like enough time and I knew Dad was feeling guilty for not seeing us more.

"How was today?" He asked. "You mentioned your mother wanted you back in school."

"I made it to school and lasted about thirty minutes before I left," I explained. "It was too soon."

"You know I don't want to push you, but being in school might be good for you," He whispered and I smiled at how sweet and understanding he was being. He wasn't telling me it was the law for me to be in school, he was thinking about me and what was good for me. "It would be a good distraction."

"It would be if everywhere I looked I didn't see him standing there," I said solemnly. "I couldn't breathe, Dad."

"Well, tomorrow's a good day to try again," This was why I loved my Dad and why we got along so well. Don't get my wrong, I loved my mother but I had always gotten along way better with my Dad. That probably had a lot to do with the fact that Dad was far away most of the time, but we also had similar personalities. I had always been quieter like him and my brother had always been more outgoing like my Mom.

Which is probably why we worked so well together as siblings.

"You're right," I nodded. "How's Jake?" I asked. Jake, like everyone else in our family, had taken his death pretty hard and last I heard, he was starting to get into trouble at school. Even though we only got to see him and spend time with him once a year, he and my brother were extremely close and he was blaming himself for his death just like I was.

"He..." Dad took a deep breath. "He got himself suspended from school today."

"What happened?"

"Your uncle told me he got into a fight with a freshman who made some...stupid remark."

"A freshman?"

"Billy said the kid made some remark about this TV movie about suicide and how the girl was being overly dramatic. Jake overheard and beat the shit out of him."

"Is the kid going to be okay?"

"Jake broke his nose," Dad admitted. "But other than that, he'll be fine. It's hard being the chief of police when your nephew is the one causing problems."

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that today, Dad," I whispered because Jake had always been a good kid. Sure, he was kind of cocky and could be a douche at times, he never got into trouble. And Dad never had to deal with him as a cop before.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this every day," He whispered and I heard his breath catch. "You know that I'm here for you, right kid?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I?"

"Because maybe that wasn't clear before but..."

"Dad, don't," I bit my lip. "Ri...he was depressed and he hid it so damn well. Of course, he knew you were there for him and always had been. If I can't blame myself then you can't blame yourself either."

"I love you, Bells."

Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I looked up and noticed one of the hundreds of pictures Mom had hanging on the walls. It was one from our very first day of kindergarten and he was all ready to go with his racecar backpack and matching lunchbox. We were smiling so big at the camera and you could tell how normal things used to be. How happy everyone was.

"I love you too, Daddy," I cried as I felt arms wrapping around my waist.

"I hate to do this..."

"Your break is over," I sniffled as Marcus gave me a squeeze. "Go be a badass cop."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Can't wait. Bye, Dad."

"Bye, sweetie." He hung up the phone and I turned in Marcus' arms to hug him.

"How's your father?" Mom asked as she leaned up against the wall.

"Like you care," I rolled my eyes and pushed past her to go back into the living room. Mom hadn't spoken one word to Dad since we found him dead in his bedroom. I wasn't sure exactly what the hell was going on with her, but Dad desperately needed her and she'd pushed him away like he was some stranger trying to offer her comfort.

"Bella," Marcus sighed as I plopped down on the sofa.

"I don't need a lecture, Marcus," I barked.

"Just be happy...right?" He repeated the words my brother had told me so many times when girls were being mean and guys were being jerks.

What a fucking lie.

"That's a lie," I shook my head. "Just like everything else."


	2. Trying to Find Anything

**Chapter Two: T** **rying to Find Anything**

* * *

 **Edward's POV**

"Edward, I need you to take your brother to soccer," Mom called from the kitchen just as I walked through the door.

"Why can't you take him?" I complained as I threw my bookbag down on the stairs and walked into the kitchen where she was working.

"Because, there are things I need to take care of here and I need you to do this for me," She sighed. "Honestly, I rarely ask you to do things anymore, Edward."

"Whatever," I sighed as I grabbed and apple and retreated to my bedroom as I waited for Sam to get home from school. He insisted he was fine taking the bus even though I always drove to school. Dumb fourteen-year-olds.

I lied down on the bed and tried to think a bit more positively. One more day was done. We'd all gotten through one more day. Only about twenty-two thousand more days until we could finally be together again.

I hated this day to day living, but she would have killed me if I'd given up completely. Sure, I wasn't the happiest of kids, but what seventeen-year-old boy was really happy? I mean, she'd been happy, but she was special.

"Hey, we gotta go," Sam said as he popped his head through my door, scaring the hell out of me.

"Ever heard of knocking, Sam?" I yelled, sitting up and throwing a pillow at him.

"Sorry, but we're going to be late," He shrugged, clearly missing my point. I groaned as I stood up and grabbed my keys off my desk. I picked my backpack up as I passed it on the steps and told my mother I was going to Jasper's house after dropping Sam off at practice.

"What time is practice over?" I asked since Mom would probably be texting me to pick him up later.

"Six o'clock," He slammed the door shut and ran out onto the field. I made sure he found his coach before putting the car back into drive and pulled out of the parking lot. I made my way to Jasper's house and sighed in relief when I didn't see Alice's car parked in the driveway. I loved that two of my best friends had fallen in love, but it was hard to get Jasper alone anymore. It wasn't anyone's fault, but that's kind of just what happened when you got serious about the girl you were seeing.

"Did you tell me you were coming over?" Jasper asked, his face full of concern. I used to show up at his house unannounced all the time, but after everything that's happened, he was always worried for me.

"Nope, but I'm okay," I lied. Obviously, I wasn't okay, but I was as okay as I could be. He stepped aside and I walked into his house. His Dad wasn't in the picture and his Mom was working her shift at the hospital. No one was there to fuss about me because I knew Jasper wasn't going to ask if I was okay. He already knew the answer.

The two of us worked in silence on our homework. Before the accident, I had been the class clown and grades and school weren't very important to me. But now I had to make her proud so I was working my ass off to keep my 4.0 GPA and I was on track to being valedictorian next year when we graduated. I had no idea what the hell I was going to do with my life, but I wasn't going to fail like everyone thought I would.

"Mom left me some pot roast and potatoes if you're planning on staying," Jasper said as he closed his AP Euro textbook.

"I gotta get Sam from soccer practice," I groaned. "Plus you know Mom and how important family dinners are."

"Right," He nodded. "I'll see you at school."

"Bye, Jazz," I called as I unlocked my car. I headed over to the soccer field and waited until Sam was finished. When he got into the car, he smelled fucking awful, but I just didn't have the energy to tell him and get told that he didn't smell.

The kid never thought he smelled after practice.

When we got home, Mom had dinner on the table and Sam raced upstairs to take a quick shower. Dad wouldn't be home for another twenty minutes, giving him just enough time. I sat down on the couch and stared at the wall that hadn't changed a bit and my hands began to hurt with how hard I was squeezing them.

"Edward?" Dad's calm voice ask as he came to stand in front of me. "Dinner's ready, son."

I nodded and stood up and walked into the kitchen. I walked into the kitchen where my mom was scooping peas onto my plate and gave me a small smile as I took it from her hands and put a few pieces of chicken on it. It was just our typical dinner with Sam doing most of the talking. He never stopped talking and I was beginning to think he was incapable of shutting up.

My parents loved it though. If Sam was talking, they wouldn't be reminded of everything that had happened because he was talking about shit that didn't matter. They ate up everything he said like it was the most important, most interesting thing they'd ever heard. I knew they'd listen to me, but I just didn't talk much anymore.

I never had anything to say.

When we were finished with dinner, I cleared the tables and did the dishes like I'd been doing every night since I was Sam's age. We all had to share the housework, but each of us had our own specific job to do. I did the dishes, Dad took care of the yard, Mom did the laundry and Sam kept our bathroom clean. The rest of the chores got done as they were needed by whoever was free at the time. It had always been like that and I was glad for some consistency...even if it was cleaning.

"How was your day today?" Dad asked as he comes back into the kitchen while I'm drying off the last pot. I turn and give a weak smile to him before putting the pot in the cabinet and start drying the counter off. "Edward,"

"It was fine, Dad," I sighed not wanting to have the same conversation we'd been having for three years. "It was _just_ fine."

"You don't have to keep pretending,"

"Who's pretending?" I snap. All my parents ever wanted to do was talk about how I was feeling and I just wanted to stop thinking about it. I wanted to go one day without them checking up on me and asking how my day was. I just wanted one damn day to just not be okay and that be okay with them.

"Edward, your mother and I still want you to continue your therapy sessions," He sighed and I had to roll my eyes at him. I'd been telling them for weeks I wanted to be done but since I was only seventeen, I couldn't stop without their permission.

"Why?" I whined. "They don't help and that doctor has no idea what she's talking about."

"Dr. Black is one of the best therapists in this town and you know that."

"You know that Dad, because somehow she's been able to help you," I snapped. "Talking about it doesn't help. Talking about Katie doesn't help me."

"If you would just give it another chance,"

"I've been giving it another chance." I reminded him. "I've been telling you that I want to be done since the first appointment with her, but you and Mom kept making me go. It's been three years, I just want this to be over." I can feel the tears burning in my eyes, but I could care less.

If there was anyone I could be vulnerable with, it was my Dad.

"Son,"

"I want it to be over," I cried as I felt the tears spilling out. "Please...stop making me talk about her."

"This is why you need to talk about her," He sighed as he pulled me into a tight hug. It had been a long time since I let myself feel anything about Katie and the first time in an even longer time that I had cried. "Because...it's never over, Edward."

"Carlisle?" Mom's worried voice asks as she rushed into the kitchen. I felt her soft touch on my back and I pulled away from her. There wasn't anyone I loved more than my Mom, but for some reason, I just couldn't let her comfort me. I couldn't let her see me like this and I didn't understand why.

"We're fine, darling," Dad lied as I pulled away from him and ran upstairs to my room.

"You okay?" Sam asks softly as I push past him. I ignore him and run to my room, slamming the door behind me. I sit down on my bed and try to pull myself together enough so that I can finish my homework. After a few seconds of deep breaths, I pull my pre-calculus book from my bag and sit down at my desk.

Only two problems in, there's a light knock at my door.

"What?" I bark, just trying to focus on my work. The door creaks open and Sam pops his head in, giving me a sheepish look. "What, Sam?"

"I need help," He shrugs as he holds up his algebra textbook. I know that he actually doesn't need help because he's one of the smartest in his class, but I motion for him to come in anyway. School and homework were the only thing we have in common anymore and the only thing that we can bond over anymore.

It didn't use to be like that. We were best friends growing up and we did almost everything together. I was also so happy that I had a little brother, someone to always play with. Even when I started getting older Sam and I were close. After the accident, though, I was pissed and always took it out on my little brother. Eventually, I started feeling bad for how I'd been treating him but the damage had already been done.

We started to really grow apart after that.

"Which problem are you on?" I asked as he put the book in front of me. He points to a simple slope problem and I shake my head, knowing he knows this because I taught him how to do it before he was even in algebra. I walk him through the problem and give him a few practice one's to do before he leaves my room again.

I finish my homework and get into the shower before climbing into bed. I didn't sleep, though. I hadn't really slept since the accident and had gotten really good at functioning without any sleep. When my alarm went off in the morning, I got up and moved through my room robotically before going downstairs for breakfast.

After Mom made sure I had something in my system, I grabbed a cup of coffee to go and headed across town towards Jasper's house since his truck was in the shop. When he got into the car, he just plugged his phone in and we drove in comfortable silence towards the school. When we got there, Alice was waiting outside for both of us and nearly jumped into Jasper's arms when he approached her.

"Hi," Jasper smiled down at her and gently pressed a kiss to her lips. I had to look away and smiled when I saw Emmett's Jeep pulling into the parking lot. He had been on vacation with his family and managed to miss an entire week of school in the middle of September.

"Look who's back," Jasper sang as he took Alice's hand and walked into the school.

"Fucking finally," I grumbled to myself as I stopped at my locker. Emmett was the only person who didn't try and suffocate me. He never asked me questions and just always seemed to know what I needed based on my mood. Mostly though, he just let me be in silence when I was having a bad day or having a day where I just went through everything that happened that night in my head.

He was just what I needed in a friend.

"How was the Caribean?" I mumble as Emmett approached my locker.

"Dude, it was fucking awesome," He clapped my back as I slammed my locker shut and we made our way over to his locker. "The girls there...they never wear more than a skimpy bikini."

"You're never going to get Rosalie to go out with you if you keep talking like that," Alice pointed out. The five of us had been friends since we were in preschool and Emmett had been pining for Rose since we were in second grade. She was always turning him down and when she did agree to go to homecoming with him our freshman year, he screwed everything up by trying to grope her in the middle of the dancefloor.

She hadn't thought of him in a romantic way since and I honestly didn't blame her.

Emmett tried to act like he didn't care and went out with other girls, but I knew how in love with her he really was. He'd never admit it, but he'd date her in a heartbeat if she gave him another chance.

"Alice, I've been over her for a long time," He lied. "Plus, the girls in the Caribean are ten times hotter."

"Ten times hotter than what?" Rosalie asked as she approached us.

"The summer here," He quickly lied and I snickered. He shot me his death glare that meant he was serious and I looked away, trying not to bust out laughing. "Anyway, what'd I miss?"

"Jess and Tyler hooked up," I told him. "And Lauren found out and nearly killed them both."

"I thought Lauren and Tyler were still together?" He asked. It was a small school and there weren't a lot of people to choose from when it came to dating. Lauren and Tyler were constantly getting together and breaking up and when Emmett left, they were together.

"They broke up the night after you left," Alice sighed, not wanting to be involved in any gossip. "And then he slept with Jess on Friday."

"Damn, I miss everything."

"It really isn't that big of a deal," Alice huffed.

"Whatever," Emmett stuck his tongue out at her as we passed her old locker. It was now being used by a freshman who looked like she was closer to Sam's age, but when she opened it she had stickers and pictures taped to the metal.

"Edward?" Jasper snapped his fingers in front of my face.

"Huh?"

"We gotta get to homeroom,"

"Oh," I nodded as I followed Alice to our homeroom. We sat there, listening to what all the morons did with their weekend and I finished a pre-calc problem I hadn't finished before falling asleep. When the announcements were finished, we headed to our first class of the day, which I just wasn't ready for.

Even three years later, teachers still gave me that look.

The look I hated. The look that just made it that much harder to forget about everything that had happened. The look people gave you because they didn't know what else to do or they just didn't care enough to do anything else. It was the look the doctor had given us that day and the look I got at least once a day still.

"You coming to conditioning today?" Jasper asked, referring to baseball.

"I gotta go see Dr. Black today," I sighed.

"I thought you were done?"

"I asked to be done but my parents still think I should go," I rolled my eyes. "They think that talking about it will help."

"If it hasn't helped yet, why do they think it's going to help now?"

"I have no clue," I shook my head as I closed my locker and headed out to the parking lot. I got into my car and contemplated driving out of this town and never looking back. I decided against it because my parents would never be able to live if they lost me too. So, I headed across town to where her office was located and signed in for my appointment.

"Edward," She smiled as she walked into the tiny waiting room. I grabbed my bag and followed her back to our normal room and I awkwardly sat down on the couch and she sat down in the chair in front of me. "How's your week been?"

"Not bad," I shrugged honestly. I'd had worse weeks. "I got a big AP exam out of the way."

"You already have exams?" She asked curiously since it was only the third week of school.

"It was more like a practice test for us to get an idea of what the exams will look like," I explained. "He graded it as homework but we still needed to study for it and do well if we wanted full credit."

"Sounds like a smart teacher."

"I guess,"

"I hear you don't want to keep coming here."

"My parents tell you this?"

"They did, yes."

"Then I guess I can't really lie to you," I rolled my eyes. "No, I don't want to keep coming."

"Why?"

"Because talking about my dead sister isn't going to bring her back to life," I snapped. "Talking about her only helps my parents and all it does is hurt me. How do they expect me to move on if they keep forcing me to think about her?"

"Because you haven't dealt with your feelings yet," She said as she wrote on her notepad. "And you can't move on until you deal with how you're feeling."

"How I'm feeling?" I asked. "I feel like shit. Every single day that I'm alive and she isn't I feel like shit. I am dealing with my grief, Dr. Black. Just because it isn't the way everyone wants me to doesn't mean I'm not dealing with it."

"You still haven't told me what it was like for you that day,"

"Which day?" I cocked my eyebrow at her.

"The day your parents decided to stop all medical care."

"You mean the day they pulled the plug?"

"Yes, that day."

"I have told you how it felt."

"You told me what you think I wanted to hear," She sighed. "Not how you actually felt."

"How do you think I felt, Dr. Black?"

"I don't know, that's why I need you to tell me."

"It was hard," I sighed. "I was sad and I cried. What more do you want from me?"

"I just want you to be honest."

"I want a lot of things," I snapped as I stood up, grabbed my bag and stormed out of her office. This was what usually happened when I went to her office. She always managed to piss me off within twenty minutes and my parents always paid for the full hour. This was one of the reasons I wanted to stop. It didn't help, it pissed me off and it was just a huge waste of money.

When I got to my car, I got in and just sat in front of the wheel for a few minutes before grabbing my phone and finding her name in my recent calls.

"Let me guess, nothing changed?" She laughed when she answered the phone.

"You home?" I asked, not wanting to talk about the dumb therapy session.

"Yep and my parents won't be home until morning,"

"I'm coming over."

"I assumed," She sighed as I hung the phone up and tossed it onto the passenger's seat. When I got to her house, I didn't even bother knocking. Tanya and I had known each other long enough and had been through a lot together that I didn't need to knock.

I went upstairs and found her in only her bra and panties as she lied on her bed, reading a textbook. She looked up and bit her lip as I tore my t-shirt off my body and walked over to her bed. It didn't take much for us to both be naked and for me to be buried deep inside of her.

Don't get me wrong, I really cared about Tanay. But the sex was never because we were in love with each other and it was never about making a connection. It was because we were both broken, fucked up people who just needed to find some pleasure in this horrible, evil world.

"Fuck," I cursed as I spilled inside of her. I trusted Tanya and although we weren't a couple, I knew she wasn't sleeping around. And she had also been my first. There never needed to be any boundaries between us, especially after she went on birth control.

"How about that bio lab Banner sprung on us?" She asked as she grabbed her bra and panties from the floor. I took that as my cue and started gathering my things as well.

"I know, he's an ass."

"How'd you do on Cope's practice test?"

"It was easy," I shrugged as I pulled my t-shirt back on. I stayed with her for another hour and we worked on some homework together, but Mom would want me home from dinner. After a quick peck on the lips, I grabbed my keys and headed out to my car. I didn't particularly want to go home since I knew they'd be hounding me for leaving therapy early, but I had to respect my Mom's wishes.

When I got home though, they didn't say a word which was weird because Dr. Black always called them when I ran out of her office. But, I did kind of get the silent treatment which wasn't the best either.

I really...really couldn't win.


	3. I'm a Stranger

**Chapter Three: I'm a Stranger**

* * *

 **Bella's POV**

 _"I gotta get to practice," Marcus smiled as he leans down and presses his lips against mine. "I'll see you later."_

 _"Bye," I smile stupidly at him as I turn towards the front doors of the school. Suddenly, everyone around me disappeared and I came face to face with Riley. "Riley?"_

 _"Bella!" He yelled as I start towards him. "Help me, Bella."_

 _"I'm here. What can I do?"_

 _"Help me."_

 _"Tell me how!"_

 _"You need to save me."_

 _"Okay, just tell me what to do."_

 _"There isn't anything you can do," His voice lowers and his eyes grow cold. "You can't do anything. You've killed me."_

 _"No, I can help," I argue. "Let me help."_

 _"I'm already dead!" He barks. "Because of you...I overdosed on all of these pills," He held out his hand which is now full of white pills. I watch as he takes them all at once and disappears from view._

 _"Riley NO!" I yelled._ "RILEY!"

"Bella!" I can feel myself being shaken, but I just can't seem to open my eyes.

"RILEY!" I yell again and Phil's panic becomes more evident as he starts shaking me even harder.

"Bella, it's just a dream, sweetie." My eyes fly open and I feel myself dripping with sweat. "It's just a bad dream, Bella," Phil repeats.

"I'm sorry I woke you up," I cried into the pillow as I turn away from him. This is something that has been happening since I found him dead on his bedroom floor. No one had gotten a full nights sleep because I always woke up screaming for him.

"Don't be," He sighed as he gently rubs my back. "Just try and get some sleep."

"Okay," I nodded at him even though I knew I wasn't going to get any more sleep that night. Once I had a nightmare bad enough to wake someone else up, I never fell back asleep. Not matter how much I wanted and needed to sleep...I just couldn't.

After Phil walked back to his room, I got out of bed and changed into a clean t-shirt and sat down at my desk. The school counselor they were forcing me to talk to suggested writing the nightmares I had at night down for some reason. I wasn't really sure I understood the purpose, but I just needed to do what she told me to do.

If I did what I was told, they wouldn't make me go anymore...right?

After writing the nightmare down in the journal she'd given me, I flipped through old pages and realized the dreams were all pretty much the same. They usually took place at different locations and different things happened, but there was a recurring theme. Riley would show up and he would blame me for his death.

I didn't blame him. If I would have paid closer attention to him, I could have realized that he was calling out for help. I should have realized the pill bottles he slowly accumulated over his last few months. I felt like I should have known something was wrong and I should have been there more.

But, we ran in different circles. Riley was a good student, but he was more athletic and outgoing. I typically spent most nights crawled up with a blanket and a good book. Riley was the life of the party and spent a lot of his times with his friends from the swim team or baseball team. I had a small, close group of friends and he was friends with literally everyone.

When he died, Riley and I were leading completely different lives.

But, we were still close to each other. He was still my best friend and last time I checked, I was his best friends. He was always there when I needed him and he was always there to kick someone's ass if they hurt me. I was always there when he needed help with school work and spent a lot of time getting homework done together. It wasn't like we were complete strangers at the time of his death which is what made everything so damn confusing.

I...should have known.

It was funny. The note he left everyone told us that no one could have known. He said that he was good at hiding how lonely and depressed he was feeling. He wrote that it wasn't anyone's fault that he'd made that decision and he just begged us to be able to forgive him one day.

But I should have known.

After looking back at the journal, I crawled back into bed and laid there until my alarm went off. I quickly turned it off and pulled on a pair of leggings and a t-shirt because I just couldn't bring myself to actually put in any effort in what I looked like anymore. I went downstairs where Mom was still just going through the motions and grabbed myself a granola bar and sat down with her as she read the paper.

"Do you have any tests today?" Mom asked, trying to make just the slightest bit of conversation.

"I have a government test on Friday," I shrugged.

"Are you prepare?"

"No," I laughed.

"Bella, you need to start keeping up with our schoolwork."

"Really, Mom?"

"Bella," Phil wanted as he walked into the kitchen. I grabbed my granola bar and headed back upstairs to grab my bag for the day. I said a quick goodbye to my parents and headed out to our car. When I got to school, I waited in the car until the last possible minute before going into the school.

They had tried taking down his locker memorial, but students kicked and screamed about it so it was still there. Staring at me. Haunting me. His locker was right next to mine. There was no avoiding it and I had started putting my things in Marcus' locker so I wouldn't' have to see it as much anymore.

"How was your night?" Marcus asked gently as I opened his locker to grab my books for my first two classes.

"I had a nightmare," I shrugged.

"The same one?" I nodded. "Have you considered..."

"If you say getting help I will walk away," I warned. People had been telling me for a month that I needed help, and maybe I did. But right now I just needed to grieve. I needed to be able to be sad and angry about m brother's death without people telling me to talk about it. Why was it so wrong for me to just grieve the way I wanted to?

Why was it so wrong for me to just grieve the way I wanted to?

"I was going to ask if you'd considered doing karate or something?" He asked and I just stared at him. What was he talking about? "I don't know...to get some aggression out?"

"You're very sweet," I smiled as I brought my hand and touched his cheek. "But nothing it going to help right now."

"Bella!" A shrill voice called from the other end of the hallway. I cringed as I heard her dumb heels click against the linoleum and tried grabbing Marcus' hand to pull him away. But she was quicker than I was and reached me before I could flee. "How are you?"

"You've asked me this question every day you've seen me, Victoria," I rolled my eyes. She was one of the ones who just pretended to care about me and my family. She showed up to the funeral like it was just another night out.

"But really, how are you?" She asked, placing her hand on my shoulder.

"Get off of me," I growled and pulled away.

"Victoria, everyone knows you don't actually care," Marcus snapped. "So just leave her alone. Leave all of us alone. Including Bree."

"Marcus, this is a conversation between me and Bella."

"Bella and me!" I corrected.

"What?"

"It's Bella and me," I rolled my eyes. "Not me and Bella."

"Wow...how were you two even related?" She snickered and I lost it. I pulled away from Marcus and shoved Victoria across the hallway and slammed her into the lockers. She was staring at me with wide eyes as I held her against the lockers, unsure what to do next. I knew if I did anything else, I would get into trouble and my Mother couldn't handle that right now.

"Bella, come on," Marcus whispered as he gripped my arms and began tugging at me. I let Victoria go and walked with Marcus to the nearest empty classroom. "Umm, what was that?"

"We're going to be late," I sniffed as I ran from the classroom down the hall to my homeroom. The rest of the day went by like I wasn't even there. I just couldn't concentrate on anything anyone said and I just kept thinking about what Victoria had said. Obviously, she was a bitch seeking attention, but what she said had really hurt.

When I got home from school, I anxiously waited for my Mom to get home from work. Trying to do schoolwork was pointless so I just put the TV on for background noise. I wasn't paying attention and I jumped when I finally heard her keys in the lock.

"Honey, why are you sitting in the dark?" She asked as she turned on a living room lamp.

"Oh," I looked around and finally noticed that it had started to get dark since it was the end of October.

"You okay?"

"Mom, I need to talk to you,"

"Okay, let me get dinner started..."

"Mom!" I yelled, getting her attention. "Now." She nodded and came to sit down next to me. "I...want to go live with Dad."

"What?"

"Just hear me out," I sighed. "Mom, I'm drowning here and I can't stay here any longer. Everywhere I look...I'm just haunted."

"Bella, come on."

"I know that you are processing things in your own way and that's fine, but I can't keep doing this here. I need to get away so that I can grieve without people breathing down my neck."

"The people in Forks know that your father lost his son,"

"But I know for a fact that he didn't tell them how," I pointed out. "Mom if I stay here, I'm not sure if I'll make it."

"What...what are you saying?"

"I'm saying that I'm suffocating," I cried as my eyes filled with tears. "I'm saying that I haven't slept in over a month."

"I can't lose you too, baby."

"If I stay here...you really will lose me," I whispered. "I can't stay here, Mom. I want...I need to go live with Dad."

"Have you even asked him about this?"

"You know Dad would let me come live with him in a heartbeat."

"But have you asked him about right now?"

"Just because you've been ignoring him for over a month, doesn't mean I have!" I snapped. "Dad told me the week Riley died that I could come live with him if I needed to get away...even if it was just for a week. If you had bothered to talk to him you would probably know that."

"Bella,"

"I know you haven't spoken to him since the funeral, Mom. He told me that he's tried to reach out, but you haven't answered a single call."

"Bella,"

"He lost a child too, Mom," I whispered. "Riley was his son too. And I know nothing can beat a mother's love for her child, but he's grieving too and you just abandoned him."

"I didn't mean to," She admitted. "It's just been so hard and I didn't know what to say to him."

"You have Phil to help you, Mom," I whispered. "But Dad is alone trying to cope with all of this. Dad and I need each other right now."

"I need you, Bella."

"I need Dad right now, Mom. I need to not live in this house and not go to this school. I need to live with Dad in Forks right now."

"We'll discuss this later," She finally whispered as she went into the kitchen to start dinner.

But...later never came. She called my Dad and finalized details with him. We bought boxes and started packing up my room at the end of the week. I was moving to Forks after this week in school and I couldn't have felt more relieved. The only thing left to do was tell Marcus and I didn't know what was going to happen with us. Forks was so far away and we were only seventeen. The probability of us making it was very slim.

That was upsetting.

But I had to do this for myself. I needed to take the time and grieve my brother's death. And as much as I loved Marcus, I needed to do this for myself. I needed to do this so that I could eventually come to terms with his death and be able to breathe again.

"What was so important that we had to come to our park?" Marcus smiled as he sat down on the swing next to mine. This was the park we all spent a lot of time at when we were kids and the park Marcus took me after the homecoming dance was finished. We'd had our first kiss here and we always came here when we just needed space to breathe.

"We need to talk," I whispered as I stood up. He followed as he grabbed my hand and I pulled him to a nearby bench.

"What's up? You're kind of scaring me."

"Marcus..." I trailed off when my eyes met his bright blue eyes. "I'm going to move in with my Dad."

"Like...for the summer?"

"Like next week," I said with a shaky voice. "Permanently."

"You're...moving?" I nodded. "To Forks?"

"Yeah,"

"Why?"

"Marcus, you know why," Out of everyone, Marcus knew exactly how I was feeling. He seemed to be the only one, besides my Dad, that I could be totally vulnerable and honest with. He was the first person I called after I found Riley after my Mom and Phil had come home. He was there for all of the hard parts the days after his death.

"But...that's so far away."

"I know."

"What about us?"

"I don't know."

"Have you thought about us at all?" His voice was dry.

"Of course, Marcus. But, I had to think about myself and how if I stay here that I'm going to die too."

"Are you thinking of..." His voice was panicked. "Killing yourself?"

"No," Because that was true. Even now, I'd never even considered suicide as an option. "But you know that I can't breathe here. I need to go."

"I just can't imagine not seeing you every day," He hung his head. "First I lost Riley and now...I'm losing you? This fucking sucks."

"You aren't losing me."

"The odds of two seventeen-year-olds making it through a long distance relationship is slim," He snapped. "So yeah, it feels like I'm losing you."

"We can try," I whispered. "I don't want this to be over, Marcus. But I need to do what's best for me and not what's best for you or my Mom.

"What about your other friends?"

"What friends, Marcus?" I asked. "You and Bree are really the only ones at school who even bother talking to me anymore. And I know everyone else is just scared but...there isn't much for me here anymore."

"I'm here,"

"You're one of the few things that make me not want to leave," I admitted. "But if you love me, you'll let me go and you'll support me as I make the move."

"When do you go?"

"This is my last week."

"We only get a week together?" He shook his head. "Damnit."

"You can come visit me," I whispered. "And I'll be back to visit my Mom and Phil. It's Washington, Marcus. Not outer space."

"I love you," He whispered and I could see the unshed tears in his eyes.

"I love you too," I leaned in and gently pressed my lips to his.

"Are you driving?"

"Phil is going to drive my car to Seattle and then fly back."

"Do you need help packing?"

I spent the next week packing up my room and saying goodbye to the few people I still liked at my school. Marcus didn't say much to me but I knew it was just his way of dealing. I really sprung this on him and I knew how much it hurt. When Saturday rolled around, I found myself a lot more emotional about leaving my childhood home than I thought.

"Are you sure about this?" Mom asked for the hundredth time.

"I'm sure," I nodded. I knew this was selfish of me. She needed me, but I needed to be somewhere I else. Neither of us was going to heal if we stayed together.

"You know I'm just a phone call away," She pulled me into another hug.

"I know, Mom," I smiled as I gave her a big squeeze. "Mom?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"You didn't do this," I told her. "You didn't drive me away."

"Sweetie,"

"And...you aren't responsible for Riley's death," I whispered so quietly I wasn't even sure if she could hear me. I knew she'd been feeling guilty since the day I found him because what mother doesn't see how desperate her son is? But it wasn't her fault. His death wasn't her fault.

It was my fault.

"You aren't either, my darling." I nodded, knowing I couldn't argue with her. I gave her one last hug before turning to Marcus after he'd shut the U-Haul. He shoved his hands in his pockets as I wrapped my hands around his waist. He stood still for a few seconds before hugging me back and I dug my face into his shirt.

"I'm really going to miss you," He sighed as he kissed the top of my head. "I love you,"

"I love you too," I sobbed into his chest and clung harder to him. This was hard. I knew it was going to be hard, but it was what needed to be done.

"Call me when you stop for the night?"

"I promise," I nodded as I pulled back from him. If Phil and I didn't get on the road soon, we never would. Because as much as I needed to move in with my Dad, leaving Pheonix wasn't easy. Nothing about this situation was easy, but this was what needed to happen. I gave my Mom one last hug before climbing into the passenger seat of my car. Phil gave me one last look before starting the car and putting it into reverse.

"Next stop...some random motel in Nevada," Phil laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

"I love random motel's in Nevada," I giggled as Marcus and my Mom got smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror.


	4. There is a House

**Chapter Four: There is a House**

* * *

 **Edward's POV**

 _Katherine Grace Cullen_

 _1997-2014_

 _Beloved Daughter, Sister, and Friend_

"Hey sis," I sighed as I set the single yellow rose on the grass. I take a deep breath as I sit down and stare at her grave. "Ready for your life update?" I asked and started talking about anything I could think of. It had been a while since I'd actually sat down here. We came here as a family ever so often, but no one ever says anything. We place flowers down, clean up her space, and stand in silence until someone decides they're ready to go home.

I realize that I'm talking to myself as I sit here, but I just don't give a damn. I just need to babble and she's the only one who doesn't tell me to shut up.

"I watch him play," I start talking about Sam. "And I just know he's going to be the star soccer player once he gets to high school. Hell...he might make varsity his sophomore which you know just doesn't happen. I'm almost...jealous. I mean I know he's fourteen and I never want to be fourteen but he already has his life planned out." I took a breath. "When I was fourteen I couldn't even plan out what snacks I wanted in my lunch that week," I smiled, "I guess that makes me the oddball out. You always knew what you wanted."

I looked down to the grass patch, with leaves starting to cover it. I gently pushed the leaves away because I didn't want her space looking like a mess. And knowing her, she wouldn't want that either.

"People are starting to talk about college," I gulped, "I know it's what I should do in order to have a good future but...I just don't know if I can do it, Katie."

"I thought you said you were fine," A familiar voice said from behind me. I stilled against the tree trunk I was leaning up against and took a deep breath. How did I know he was going to follow me here.

"I am fine,"

"You only come here when you've had a rough day," I rolled my eyes. "And when you left school you said you had a decent day."

"Every day is a rough day, Jasper," I snapped as I turned around to face him. "I just missed my sister...why can't I just miss her? Why do I have to have a rough day in order to visit her grave?"

"You don't,"

"So why did you follow me here?"

"I'm sorry that I was worried about you."

"Everyone needs to stop being so damn worried about me!" I snapped. Ever since we got the news that she had died, people had been crowding me. Asking me questions and making sure I was alright. I wasn't alright and I didn't think I'd be alright until people just let me deal with things the way I needed to.

"I'm okay. I'm alive. My seventeen-year-old sister isn't okay. She's dead. Can't I just sit at her grave and talk to her?"

"Seventeen? Wouldn't she be turning twenty?"

"November," I nodded.

"I'm sorry I followed you," Jasper always did this. It was something we were constantly fighting about. And...in reality...I was always fighting with everyone about this. No one thought it was okay for me to be pissed off and not want to talk about it.

"It's okay," I lied. I always lied when I told people it was okay when they invaded my privacy by following me to Katie's grave. "I'm not going to leave soon, so you should go."

"I can sit..."

"Go, Jasper," I didn't get why people couldn't respect my wishes when I asked to be left alone. I was seventeen.

I guess it kind of made sense. Katie was my age when she died and I guess now everyone thinks I'm going to die too. I wasn't going to die. What happened was an accident. A terrible...terrible accident but the odds of it happening to me were extremely slim. Mom lived in fear now every time Sam and I left the house and Dad just tried to pretend like we were safe in our little bubbles.

"I'll see you at school tomorrow," Jasper finally sighed as he turned to walk to his car. I waited until I couldn't see his truck anymore before sitting back down against the tree and grabbed my sketch book. Drawing had been something I picked up right after her funeral. I needed to do something with my hands so I wouldn't end up breaking everything in my room...including my hands. So I picked up a cheap sketchbook at the store and started drawing whatever came to mind.

I wasn't very good, but it kept me busy and kept my mind off of things.

After I finished a sketch I'd been working on for a few days, I said one last goodbye to Katie and packed up my things. It was starting to get dark early and Mom didn't like when I stayed here too long. She was the only person who didn't bother me when I was here. She sent a few texts to remind me not to miss dinner, but other than that I hadn't heard a word from her.

I guess she understood the need to come here more than anyone. Right after the funeral, Mom sat here for hours every single day. She didn't do anything. She didn't even talk to her. She just sat here with an extreme need to be with her daughter. I didn't start coming here until recently, but now I understood how vulnerable she was after Dad dragged her home.

When I got home, everyone was already in the kitchen as Mom finished up dinner. I ran upstairs to put my things away and hid my sketchbook in my desk drawer. No one knew about my hobby and I planned on keeping it that way. It was just my thing and I didn't want anyone to ruin that.

Our conversation was simple at dinner. We talked about how school was and any interesting patients at the hospital. But we didn't talk about anything meaningful. We hadn't had a very meaningful conversation since the night of the accident because if we opened up just a little bit...we could potentially pop the very safe bubble my parents had put around us for the last three years.

And they couldn't handle it if their bubble suddenly popped.

That bubble was the only thing holding this family together. If we let ourselves be vulnerable or actually talk about how we were feeling, everything we'd been building for the last three years would shatter. Or, everything we had been trying to build anyway.

"I spoke with Chief Swan today," Dad sighed and my ears perked up. The Chief had always been a pretty private person, but he'd always gotten along with my Dad. He was the one who came to our house after Katie was taken to the hospital. He was the only one in the entire police station who had the guts and courage to tell us what had happened. The officer called to the scene still couldn't look any of us in the eyes. I had a lot of respect for the Chief because of his honesty that night.

Even if he was the person to tell us the worst news of our entire lives.

"How is he doing?" Mom asked. "I haven't seen him very much since..." She trailed off, "Since his son's passing."

"He seemed to be doing well," Dad nodded. "But I think he's just trying to distract himself. You could tell how much he was hurting, though. Broke my heart."

"Did he say anything about his daughter? What's her name again?"

"Bella, Mom," I rolled my eyes. "You've met her multiple times."

"She's not doing well," Dad told her, ignoring my snide comment and terrible attitude, "But I wouldn't expect anything less."

"I couldn't imagine losing my brother like that," Mom whispered sadly. "Especially my twin brother. He must have been so unhappy."

"Twin or not...it hurts like hell," I piped up and the looked at me like I had two heads.

"We know that it hurts no matter what, sweetie," Mom assured me. "But twins have an a...special connection that I don't think anyone really understands."

"Okay," I nodded because they didn't understand. They knew how it felt to lose a daughter, but they still had their brother's and sisters. It didn't mean that I was in a more or less pain than they were, it just meant they didn't understand the kind of pain.

* * *

September slowly began passing by and life went on. Just like it had been since the accident. I busied myself in my schoolwork and my drawings and put on a happier face. I even agreed to go on a few college visits to make my parents happy and so that I wouldn't feel like such a loser in the Cullen house. There were times I needed to be bitter and angry at the world. I went through a super melancholy phase every once in a while, but I was mostly able to fake it. I mean...I wasn't unhappy and sad all the time but I was never one hundred percent happy.

It felt wrong to actually be happy.

But, I went on with my friends and everyone chilled out and stopped asking if I was okay every twenty seconds. Tanya and I continued to see each other, but not as often because her Dad had come home again and she didn't need the emotional outlet anymore. I got it. She needed me like I needed her. We just...needed to feel something, but with her Dad home, she was fine.

A week into October, I was sitting on the couch with my parents doing my homework while Sam sat on the floor, reading a book when there was a loud knock on the door. I went to get up, but my Dad beat me to it.

"Hi, Chief Swan."

"Dr. Cullen," The Chief's gruff voice greeted my Dad.

"Come on in."

"Hi, Charlie," Mom greeted as she stood up. He gave her a sad smile and then shoved his hands awkwardly in his pockets. "What brings you here?" She was happy because she knew both of her kids were safe and alive.

"I wanted to ask you a few questions."

"Okay,"

"Where would you recommend going to get a decent bed comforter."

"Well, Port Angeles will have a larger selection, but there is a store on Baker Street that sells quite a few nice comforters and sheet sets," She explained. "What exactly are you looking for? Something simple?"

"I don't know what I'm looking for," He shrugged. "It's for my daughter. For Bella." My ears immediately perked up but I pretended to not be paying any attention.

"Are you sending it to her?" Dad asked.

"No, she's...she's coming to live with me."

Wait, what?

"Wow," Mom whispered. "When?"

"Next week."

"That's soon," Dad commented.

"She's desperate to...get out of there," He shrugged.

"Well, Porter's has a great selection for teenage girls," Mom repeated. "What else are you needing for her?"

"Everything," He shook his head. "She's bringing clothes and personal belonging's but she said she needed as fresh of a start as she could get and I don't want to give her the crumby furniture that's already in the room."

"You know what, Charlie," Mom's face lit up. "Why don't you let me take care of all of that for you."

"What?"

"Sure. I'm heading to Port Angeles to talk with a potential designer tomorrow and I would love to pick out some furniture and other things for her bedroom."

"You don't have to," He argued but my Mom already had an idea in her head. I recognized that look in her eyes. It was the same look she had when she told my Dad she wanted to renovate the entire downstairs of our house.

"Oh, I loved picking out furniture for..." She took a deep breath. "Katie's room when she turned fifteen. You just need to tell me a little bit about your daughter. We haven't had the chance to really get to know her."

Mom dragged Charlie into the kitchen with her and left Dad standing there, looking kind of confused. I knew why he was confused. Charlie was not an idiot and knew his daughter better than Mom. But...Mom had needed a girl to fuss over and dote on ever since Katie died. I knew what Dad was thinking. He was thinking that buying a few things for the Chief's daughter wasn't going to replace Katie. Everyone knew it, even Mom and I did not want to be there when everything blew up.

"Thanks for this, Esme," Charlie coughed as they walked back out of the kitchen. She had a pad and pen in her hands and Charlie still looked like he didn't know what was happening. "Oh, here's my credit card," He reached into his pocket but Mom pushed him away.

"Don't worry about it," She smiled. "It's on us."

"It is?" Dad asked, whipping his head around to look at Mom. I took that as my queue to leave and grabbed Sam's arm to pull him upstairs with him.

"What's going on?" Sam asked as he sat down on my bed and I cracked the door so I could hear what my parents were saying.

"Shh," I waved him off as I pressed my ears close to the door.

"Esme," Dad sighed.

"I'm just trying to be helpful."

"This is more than that and you know that darling," Dad said. "This won't..."

"Don't you dare finish that sentence Carlisle James!" Wow, Mom only used our middle names when she was really pissed. I had never heard Mom use Dad's full name before. "I know nothing is going to bring our daughter back."

"I was only going to say this won't fill that...Katie sized hole in your heart," He whispered and I could tell Mom was crying now. "And offering to pay for her things?"

"He's a policeman, Carlisle. He doesn't make much."

"But he makes enough to provide for his family," Dad pointed out. "And he sends those two kids of his child support checks each month."

"I'm going to take a bath and go to bed," Mom ignored Dad's comment and I heard her heading towards the stairs.

"What's going on?" Sam repeated.

"Do you ever pay attention?"

"I was doing homework!" He sighed, "You're kind of the worst sometimes," He rolled his eyes as he stood up to leave.

Not knowing what else to do, I grabbed my PJs and headed into my bathroom to shower. I took longer in the shower that night, thinking about what just happened with my Mom. It was like she was on total autopilot as she talked to Charlie. Like she was the Mother of a daughter again. It was hard to watch and even harder to think about. I hated seeing her like this. In this kind of pain.

After I dried off and got changed, I sat down on my bed to just breathe. I took a deep breath and sat down on the floor next to my bed and pulled out the shoebox I kept under the bed. I didn't know what I was doing. Looking through the box never actually helped me, and it usually just left me feeling empty inside. But I couldn't help myself and removed the lid.

I smiled when I came across our first family of five picture right after Sam was born.

 _"He's squishy," The three-year-old me told my Mom when she introduced Katie and me to our new brother. "Yuck."_

 _"Edward, he's a baby!" Katie giggled like she knew so much. She was seven, so she knew a little more than I did but she still didn't know anything. "Can I hold him, Mommy?"_

 _"Maybe in a little bit, sweetie," Mom sighed as I continued to look at the new baby wrapped up in a blue blanket._

 _"Well, what is this sweet angels name?" Our grandma asked as Mom handed the baby to Dad to hold._

 _"Well, everyone, we'd like you to meet Samuel," She smiled up at Dad. "Samuel Evan Cullen."_

 _"Sammy!" I giggled as I jumped up and down, trying to get a better look at the baby. After a few more minutes, everyone began to leave our new family of five alone. Dad placed the baby down in Mom's arms and I crawled up into bed with her._

 _"You're going to be a great big brother," She whispered into my ear as I hovered over the baby. "And you're already an amazing big sister."_

 _"Now can I hold him?" Katie asked impatiently. "It's been hours!"_

 _"I wonder how she got to be so dramatic?" Dad laughed as Mom shook her head. "I think she can handle it if you're sitting with her."_

 _"Okay, Katie, come sit up here with Mommy," Mom scooted over and Dad picked me up into his arms. I watched as Mom carefully put our new brother into my big sister's arms and suddenly grew very jealous._

 _"My turn!" I huffed._

 _"You're too little," Mom sighed._

 _"My turn!" I repeated._

 _"Come sit on Mommy's lap," She smiled, reaching her hands out to me. Dad gently placed me on my Mom's lap and sat down next to her._

 _"Look, I'm doing it!" Katie smiled as a nurse came into the room._

 _"Oh, this is so darling," She gushed. "Would you like me to take a photo?" She asked and Dad handed her the camera. Katie and I were too fascinated with our new brother that we didn't even bother looking at the camera._

Since I was so young, the memory was fuzzy but it was a story Katie was always telling. I don't remember much from when Sam was born, but I do remember not wanting to share my Mom at all. They told me I was insufferable for months, but the second I met Sam I fell in love with him. I became his protector, just like Katie had been mine.

I realized that I had completely failed Sam over these last few years.

Knowing I had been a huge jerk earlier, I got out of bed and went down the hall towards his room. His door was cracked open and I pushed it opened further and found him laying down on his bed. He looked so sad and I realized that I hadn't been paying much attention to him lately.

Katie was his sister too. Sure, he was only eleven when she died, but it still hurt him. And her death continued to hurt him. He didn't have as much time with her as everyone else, but he was still around to deal with everyone else's grief.

"I'm sorry for earlier," I whispered, startling him.

"Don't you ever knock," He mimicked me as he put his head back down on his pillow. "I should expect this now."

"Mom is trying to fill a void in her heart by doing this for the Chief," I explained. "She'd never admit it, but Dad knows it and so do I. She misses Katie."

"She always misses Katie," He reminded me. "How is doing this anything different?"

"It just is, Sam."

"I don't get it," He sighed. "Is she trying to replace our sister with this...random new girl coming to town?" So he was kind of paying attention.

"I think she's just trying to fill that void by doing girly things."

"We aren't good enough for her, are we?"

"Sam,"

"I'm serious. We're boys and her only daughter died. We aren't good enough."

"Of course you're good enough!" Mom gasped and I turned to see her in her PJ's, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You are my son and I love you very much."

"I'm sorry, Mom." Sam shrunk down into his bed.

"Boys, me helping the Chief has nothing to do with losing Katie," She whispered. "Charlie loves his kids but he has never really raised them before. They would come for vacations and he got to be the fun dad who let them stay up late. Plus, if you haven't noticed, he isn't the softest person in this town."

"Oh," Sam whispered.

"I miss your sister," She admitted for the first time in a while. "But I love you boys so much. You are my entire world. You are always good enough for me."

"I love you, Mom." Sam cried as he stood up and walked over to Mom to give her a hug.

I just hoped what she had just told the two of us was actually honest.


End file.
